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:iconevalnia: More from Evalnia


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Submitted on
January 28
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Skinny girl with distant eyes
Living in abusive relationships
With the scale on the bath room tiles
Too fragile for this world
She hides behind bright smiles
Telling all her pretty lies

Reckless boy with broken boundaries
Lights a joint to smoke the pain away
Shoots another vain so his sanity won't stay
Soaring high above the world
Forgetting how to cry
They all say he's just another junkie
But no one asks him why

But beneath these skins
We're lonely homesick children
Lost in a world spinning out of control
Screaming constantly in vain
Never able to point when someone asks
Where is the pain?


Pale girl so far away
Fighting a war all alone
Only kept company by a piece of metal
Every morning she steps a little closer
To giving up this hopeless fight
But no one seems to realize
She might not make it home tonight
Fooled by her long sleeves
And all her pretty smiles

Lonely boy keeping to himself
Depression lingers in his eyes
So he hides away in different worlds
Of brave warriors and other pretty lies
They're all just calling him a nerd
Saying gaming is his only quote
But little do they know
In his locker lies a suicide note

But beneath these skins
We're lonely homesick children
Lost in a world spinning out of control
Screaming constantly in vain
Never able to point when someone asks
Where is the pain?
:iconenemom:
I like this poem and what is going for it.

As for the flow, it gets a bit rough around the second to last paragraph, but other than that it's good. The repetition is a nice touch and certainly adds to the rough feel of the poem, a dreary world making you sad for the characters. Though, the biggest problem is this subject has been tried and beaten to the point where the horse's grave is violated by rabid raccoons. Though, it still is a powerful poem and holds a clear cut message.

Overall, flow was a bit rough here and there. While the subject lacks luster, it still is brought to life here in a nice way.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

:icontalontali:
This is very, very well written, and I truly did enjoy reading it. It's sensitive on subject matter, but the repeating stanza made that incredibly balanced. Normally I dislike reading things like that, but it's just so... Romantic, in a way, as much as horribly wrong to have human beings go through it. I respect you for writing this, it was well stated and given a really good ending.

However, I would say that you could put more into it, and say that you would give more a story, more length... But it's just a suggestion, really. Overall, great job.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconcraftenmc:
CraftenMC Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is fabulous <33
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:iconevalnia:
Evalnia Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconcraftenmc:
CraftenMC Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Np! ^.^
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